A St Patrick's Weekend Parody... and Villain Reveal (The PROPER version)
what's better than one evil gift? Two evil gifts!
ATTN: I am SO SORRY about the previous version of this email. The formatting of my parody was all messed up! I have fixed my comedic stylings for you now.
Hello, stars of my delight. I have seen a few readers ask after the gentlemen of LONG LIVE EVIL, and as evil should be an equal-opportunity endeavour, I wished to show you one!
I had various social media polls for whether it should be a villain or a hero I unveiled first, and for a change the side of light was resoundingly defeated across the board! (Seriously, team good received was 20% of the vote.) We are all ready for our villain eras.
And so, produced through the wonderful artistry of Venessa Vida Kelley, let me present from my nest of villainous vipers, a most dishonourable bodyguard…
Key of the Cauldron, free spirit, easy smiles, has killed before, will kill again, probably killing right now. Some achieve evil, some are thrust into evil, and Key is in gleeful freefall to the depths of sin. Known as: the gutter guard, the Villain of the Cauldron, the Hero of the Cauldron (that last is an embarrassing misunderstanding, why would an act of wanton violence be interpreted as heroic?). The court is horrorstruck by his accent, and maybe all the murders. Dragged up rather than raised in the Cauldron, a liberty in the city where the law holds no sway and thus a den of vice seething with the city’s cutthroats, Key’s elevated to the palace guard as an honour. He would prefer being honoured with money. Will nobody pay him to commit crime? … Oh? What’s that, my lady?
Someone Else, Justly Alarmed: You speak wicked blasphemy!
Key: Fluently.
I couldn’t be more excited for you to meet Key and the others, and I’ll be revealing them soon! If you wish to preorder to meet him, and get character art, you can do so here.
Thank you for your kind attention, I treasure every evil eye upon my work! And now to the parody, your gift for St Patrick’s Weekend. I wish you all the luck of the Irish this weekend, and I also wrote you a present! I had fun watching and reading The Hunger Games: Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, have been enjoying the Hunger Games revival online, and it’s a villain story… so… I wrote you a parody.
I hope you like it. I hope you laugh, either at this or something else this weekend.
HUNGER GAMES, THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES: We have an unwieldy title, and these are the dark days
THG, TBOSAS: It is dark
THG, TBOSAS: There’s cannibalism,
THG, TBOSAS: It’s GRIM dark
THG, TBOSAS: Listen, it’s a rough scene out there! This movie’s competing with the likes of Yellowjackets and the Last of Us.
THG, TBOSAS: Anyway here’s little Coryo and his cousin Tigris.
AUDIENCE: Our hero!
THG, TBOSAS: yah like… protagonist, anyway…
CORYO: Anyway I’m now all grown up and have my very own shower scene!
AUDIENCE: And you’re… a teenage boy?
CORYO: In Riverdale years, yes.
CORYO: I have a loving fam but not enough money to eat.
TIGRIS: Here’s a beautiful shirt with buttons made out of our bathroom tile. This shirt is a symbol of love, and disguises! As we must pretend to be rich until you get the Plinth Scholarship and save our family from ruin.
CORYO: what’s our plan if I don’t get the scholarship
TIGRIS: idk… eat Grandma’s roses.
CORYO: I’ll definitely get the scholarship anyway. Snow lands on top!
SARAH, FROM THE AUDIENCE: When Suzanne Collins thought up that line, I know she screamed and ran around the house windmilling her arms. I just know. It’s writers’ intuition.
CLASSMATES: We eat only caviar n gold sandwiches
CORYO: Yes I chipped a tooth on my gold sandwich and spit it out on a peasant this morning, so I’m a little peckish.
CLASSMATES & CORYO: and we don’t talk about the classmate who turned to cannibalism.
CLASSMATES & CORYO: … not that much
CLASSMATES: and here comes the new money, ugh.
CORYO: haha I only like old money, of which I have loads.
CLASSMATES: You like him…
CORYO: haha, no I don’t…
AUDIENCE: We are, obviously, being signaled that he does.
SEJANUS: hello to Coryo and nobody else, I hate you people
SEJANUS: Eat the rich? No, but roast the rich whenever possible.
AUDIENCE: Coryo! Do not fumble a baddie.
HIGHBOTTOM: Love drugs, hate students.
TEACHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: Finally relatable teacher representation.
HIGHBOTTOM: So you remember how the Hunger Games works, you saw the movies?
HIGHBOTTOM: Anyway currently the games are run by mad scientist, I mean respected doctor—
STUDENTS: Holy shit Viola Davis?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: So, about the Hunger Games. Ratings are dropping.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Anyway the Hunger Games definitely isn’t and never has been about highly relevant topical subjects
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Concentrate on our fictional totally made-up problem. People are cancelling their fantasy murder Netflix subscriptions!
HIGHBOTTOM: Anyway think of the poor kids in the Hunger Games as everyone getting a class pet. Owner of the most popular human gerbil gets a scholarship!
STUDENTS: Grades mean NOTHING in life?
HIGHBOTTOM: Yeah, don’t read anything into that either
CORYO: I have been working hard toward my goal of getting a scholarship, so I can be in a position to support my family, so—
HIGHBOTTOM: Obviously you’re not getting the money. You can’t be learning lessons like hard work pays off!
HIGHBOTTOM: welcome to the plot
HIGHBOTTOM: plot begins when bad things happen to the hero.
CORYO: How about to the villain?
HIGHBOTTOM: yeah unfortunately plot ends with bad things happen to the villain.
CORYO: Oh damn, they got me coming and going.
CORYO: Instead of money I get a lady?
CORYO: I mean… she is very pretty. But I need to eat.
CORYO: …. nobody’s talking to you, Cannibalism Classmate.
LUCY GRAY BAIRD: as I’m the heroine I get an oddly long intro
LUCY GRAY: is smoking, and may poison ppl with snakes
CORYO: Poison… is sexy?
LUCY GRAY: has an adorable blonde child familiar
CHILD: but not that familiar! Like not an archetype you’ve seen before.
AUDIENCE: OK new Prim.
CORYO: how do I bond with my tribute and encourage her to win?
COUSIN TIGRIS: have you considered empathy
CORYO: uhhh
CORYO: Well, not until now…
CORYO: through trying to bond I’ve accidentally got thrown in a literal zoo with the tributes
CORYO: hate empathy AND unsubtle metaphor
OTHER TRIBUTES: Hey! Why don’t we get a blonde???
EVERYONE: stares at Coryo
HAIR BAROMETER OF MORALITY: disheveled like a baby chick angel daffodil fallen from heaven
LUCKY FLICKERMAN, NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION: Hello sir and madam, you are very photogenic!
LUCY GRAY: I got the cake with the cream
CORYO: It’s true I’m brave and handsome
LUCY GRAY: What I’m trying to say is…
LUCY GRAY: do u have snacks!!!
SEJANUS: I think maybe torturing humans to death for sport is wrong and maybe Coryo agrees!
CORYO: Shhh Sejanus, pls don’t associate me with the liberal agenda.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Can you workshop my Hunger Games?
CORYO: omg Dr Viola Davis noticed me!
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Pls be entertaining
CORYO: I guess if our grades and my survival depends on it… Let’s get ppl invested in these human lives?
SEJANUS: yessss
CORYO: So everyone will watch the Hunger Games!
SEJANUS: nooo
HIGHBOTTOM: omg how could driving a kid to desperation lead to him doing desperate deeds?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: You’re intelligent and immoral. I like that.
SEJANUS: here’s snacks
MARCO, HIS TRIBUTE: die
CORYO: here’s snacks
LUCY GRAY: Love a man who brings me snacks.
CLASSMATE ARACHNE: here’s snacks… haha you thought
ARACHNE: gets glassed
ARACHNE: Had a glassing coming
CORYO’S GRANDMA: loves blinging caps, and slut shaming
CORYO: loves pretty dressing gown
THE SNOWS: are clothes horses
ALL OTHER MENTORS/CORYO’S CLASSMATES: my Tribute is feeble minded… Mine has the consumption… the one called Reaper has alarming murder eyes
MEANWHILE THE LOVEBIRDS…
LUCY GRAY: I love your skirt.
CORYO: Thanks, my cousin made it from red flags.
CORYO: Maybe the Tributes could fight better if they had water?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Oh my god, a tactical genius.
SEJANUS: I wish nobody had to die.
CORYO: Bad news about the Hunger Games, my man.
FLICKERMAN: As a man who needs no introductions, let me introduce myself again!
CORYO: Keep this guy as the Hunger Games host. Recruit his child. Very hilarious.
CORYO: OK Lucy Gray, the two people to beat are strong and terrifying Reaper, and Coral who’s organising a murder team.
CORYO: Think it’s time to cut loose your friend Jessup who got bit by a bat and is acting in a concerning fashion.
LUCY GRAY: Oh see, I have compassion for other humans.
CORYO: Ohhh uh… same…
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Welcome to my mad scientist aquarium
DR VIOLA DAVIS: do you like my specimen jars… put your hand in one girl
CORYO’S CLASSMATE: gnnrfglgh
CORYO: is she gonna uh die?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: idk. Love to do a psychological experiment with snakes, haha!
THE HUNGER GAMES: here’s a literal arena
ARENA: blows up
CORYO: reaches out for Lucy in the blast
LUCY GRAY: saves his life
TIGRIS & SEJANUS: are at Coryo’s hospital bed
TIGRIS: so how long have you and my cousin been dating?
CORYO, wakes up gasping: I have a girlfriend!!
SEJANUS: My Tribute Marcus escaped, yay!
CORYO: wow but surely the Hunger Games are cancelled.
SEJANUS: have you seen the title of this movie?
CORYO: It was a pretty long title… I don’t recall…
LUCY GRAY: singing about saving souls onscreen
CORYO: Money shot
CORYO: Ratings gold and saves my personal life? I love her.
CORYO: So why are you in the hospital?
SEJANUS: It’s what friends do
CORYO: Uh sorry, so who are you here for?
CORYO: Oh! Awkward.
HAIR MORALITY BAROMETE: wearing a sneaky cap!
CORYO: like the artful dodger… scoping out the terrain for his lady love
CORYO: OK, so hide in the bombed out arena landscape Lucy Gray!
CORYO: Also, I’ve hidden rat poison in this silver compact that used to be my mother’s. It’s highly effective rat poison.
CORYO: In this dystopia, they’ve perfected rat poison, but not TVs.
LUCY GRAY: thank you
LUCY GRAY: goes in for a kiss
CORYO: uh no thanks
LUCY GRAY: Oh sorry, do you have a boyfriend?
CORYO: No, do you?
LUCY GRAY: not anymore
LUCY GRAY: He was two-timing me with the mayor’s daughter who sold me out to the Hunger Games, we are definitively broken up!
CORYO so like was he dark and handsome?
CORYO: I’m predicting some Hunger Games trust issues
CORYO: Is he played by Liam Hemsworth?
LUCY GRAY: Listen, I WISH.
CORYO: Is this love real?
HIGHBOTTOM: hey if you care about your friend get him a seat near the door
CORYO: didn’t get Sejanus a seat near the door
CORYO & SEJANUS: witness a scene of human tragedy when Sejanus’s Tribute dies.
FLICKERMAN: Smile! It’s why we have teeth.
LUCY GRAY: bravely searches for her friend during the Hunger Games so we know she deserves to live
AUDIENCE: I mean idk maybe everyone deserves to live
HOLLYWOOD: don’t be ridiculous.
HUNGER GAMES: mass death, 6 tributes down
FLICKERMAN: Pls be sick off camera, students, murder is okay but this is just gross.
FLICKERMAN: And now, the weather!
FLICKERMAN: I’m reporting high temps & fires – again, this is fiction with nooo bearing on our world…
HIGHBOTTOM: do you really want this girl to live, Coryo?
HIGHBOTTOM: I will never let u have the booty
HIGHBOTTOM: In both sense of the word
CORYO: I’m going to keep helping Lucy Gray with no hope of gain! I think that’s love.
HAIR MORALITY BAROMETER: Lil fluffy bed head
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Wake up! You can’t just take care of your curls.
AUDIENCE: Oh no, Dr Viola Davis knows about the hair morality barometer!
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Your boyfriend is in the Hunger Games arena causing an incident!
CORYO: Sejanus sneaked in to honor the dead…?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Ugh. Liberals.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Listen, this is a time of national emergency, our noble president’s son is dying!
CORYO: What about my classmate you poisoned with snakes?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: I don’t recall who you mean…
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Anyway if you go save Sejanus, I’ll whisper your name in Sejanus’s dad’s ear!
AUDIENCE: Pretty sure his dad knows his son’s best friend’s name, but go off, I guess.
CORYO: enters the arena wearing a yellow rose, for betrayal or friendship
SEJANUS: I thought they’d send my mom into the death arenas
CORYO: Truly wish they had.
CORYO: OK listen… desperate times.
CORYO: I care about u
CORYO: And other ppl…
CORYO: And having our faces very close?
SEJANUS: Is this love real?
CORYO: … no I meant in a bro way.
TRIBUTE: goes for Coryo
CORYO: beats him to death as Coryo and Sejanus escape
CORAL: Wow, WHY didn’t I get the cute murder mentor?
CORAL: I’ll get you one day Coryo! In a murder way or as my golden sex prize for being the Victor, unclear.
EVERYONE: is consumed with lust for a blond
SEJANUS: I’m so sorry you took a human life Coryo!
CORYO: Eh.
SEJANUS’S DAD, MR PLINTH, GIVER OF THE PLINTH SCHOLARSHIP: Sejanus pls do hookers and blow, get arrested in a club.
MR PLINTH: Seriously baby boy. You should be in the club.
CORYO: Wow, my daddy issues twingeing.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Take your shirt off, murder hottie
DR VIOLA DAVIS: I would like to see humanity naked
CORYO: I’d like to put my shirt back on.
HAIR MORALITY BAROMETER: sweat dampened murder ’do.
CORYO: Kinda love murder?
TIGRIS: That is not good news!
LETTER: Eviction notice of raising the stakes
TIGRIS: Here is some more bad news. Your dad was evil.
CORYO: But. He had good hair.
TIGRIS: People can be good?
CORYO: Yeah. Losers.
AUDIENCE: Yikes, Lucy Gray’s friend Jessup foams with murderous rage!
CORYO: I think that is rabies….
LUCY GRAY: Somebody just orchestrated the death of my rabid friend
CORYO: I gotcha girl *heart eyes* *blown kiss*
HIGHBOTTOM: Like a murder duck… taking to murder water…
LUCY GRAY: I gotta rat poison up Chekhov’s water bottle
LUCY GRAY: & hide in duct after poisoning like a rat
CORYO: Sexy.
CHEKHOV’S WATER BOTTLE: exists
FLICKERMAN: Oh look, a sick child staggers toward the bottle…
LUCY GRAY: oh my god! I killed Tuberculosis Tina
REAPER: I’m going to stop looking murderous and say something a little controversial.
REAPER: Human lives are valuable! I’m going to cover these children’s corpses with the flag of this corrupt country!
REAPER : Are you going to punish me? Like by putting me in an arena to die?
AUDIENCE, BOTH REAL AND IMAGINARY: Fair point
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Sorry to interrupt the ritualised child murder!
DR VIOLA DAVIS: President’s son is dead, oh the tragedy.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: I will rain death upon the already doomed children…
FLICKERMAN: I need a drink.
CORYO: Here to beg for Lucy Gray’s life? No, just here to get shirtless again.
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Cool. Want to do mockingjay birdwatching before the mass murder?
CORYO: Not really. Are you going to murder everyone by dropping a heap of snakes on them?
DR VIOLA DAVIS: would you rather they have their eyes pecked out by birds?
CORYO: …
DR VIOLA DAVIS: We are staying on theme here Coryo! Murder by songbirds or snakes!
CORYO: Totally. Let me quickly sabotage your snake piñata…
HAIR MORALITY BAROMETER: Hero halo due to wind machine from evil jets
AUDIENCE: Lucy, no need to move that far down the vents
AUDIENCE: Oh I see, you’re poisoning the other Tributes with rat poison drifting through the air…
AUDIENCE: Wow dystopian rat poison is VERY effective.
LUCY: Very much so.
WIND FROM THE SNAKES ON A PLANE: makes red flag fly
REAPER: that was MY dramatic gesture
FLICKERMAN: oh man snake piñata
MULTIPLE CHILDREN: buried in snakes and perish
DR VIOLA DAVIS: THIS is my design
LUCY GRAY: sings and is not bitten by snakes
CORYO: Wow. Snakes love songs. As in the movie’s very long title.
CORYO: Nothing to do with any sabotage
STUDENTS: Free her for humanity!
CORYO: And for the ratings!
DR VIOLA DAVIS: Hate humanity… but love the games
CORYO: when Lucy Gray is freed, goes to Tigris who alone in the crowd truly cares
LUCY GRAY: may actually be in love with Tigris, but sadly doesn’t know she exists
HIGHBOTTOM: Wow I remember your hot, hot mom…
CORYO: and you keep talking about my dad
HIGHBOTTOM: I’m a big fan of the family…
HIGHBOTTOM: You’re banished… unless…
CORYO: OK! Banished it is!
HIGHBOTTOM: Finally: the sound of Snow falling
MOVIE: pause for Suzanne Collins to take another victory lap
HIGHBOTTOM: There, I’ve said the important echo line. It’s time for the end of act 2 of the 3 act structure when all is lost!
CORYO: wait my lady love…
CORYO: Banish me to District 12 pls!
HAIR BAROMETER OF MORALITY: oh god they’re shaving his head to become a soldier!
HAIR BAROMETER OF MORALITY: Oh no he looks like a rapper
HAIR BAROMETER OF MORALITY: He may begin to be disrespectful to women and minorities…
SEJANUS: I’m here to get my man
CORYO: oh hi wow big coincidence you’re here, bro.
SEJANUS: So you’re here because you’re deeply in love with Lucy Gray, and I’M here because…
CORYO: ???
SEJANUS (sighs): Even with the buzz cut, I still would.
SEJANUS: maybe they’ll get Lucy Gray to sing at the next Hunger Games…
CORYO: Entertaining Victors? Wow Sejanus… that’s a great idea for raising the ratings!
SEJANUS: and helping the populace?
SEJANUS, day 1 of oppressing the people: not doing well
SEJANUS: Can you possibly bear this?
CORYO: Yea, rich boy.
MILITARY LEADERS: pls just go to the club soldiers
CORYO: There are singers at the club! Gotta stare at the stage fixedly.
SEJANUS: gotta get a drink, maybe hook up…
LUCY GRAY: wearing snake bracelet, as all cool morally ambiguous heroines do
LUCY’S OLD FLAME BILLY: I’ll be your snake bracelet
CORYO: I’M the only snake she needs
SEJANUS: Swooping in to save you from taking another human life!
CORYO: Right that would be bad.
CORYO: In front of witnesses.
LUCY GRAY: Ooh, here I am in a sunlit glade
LUCY GRAY: Seems like a romance will happen here
CORYO: Ours, right?
THE NARRATIVE: …
CORYO: Our romance, right?!
LUCY GRAY: Coryo, your hair!!?
AUDIENCE: We’re all upset Lucy Gray.
LUCY GRAY: Highbottom sent me far away from you!
CORYO: yea probably because I killed a guy
LUCY GRAY: we are killers!
CORYO: Hottt.
REBELS: Heads up, your boy incoming
SEJANUS: thank u for supporting our love
CORYO: Are you consorting with rebels?
SEJANUS: God you’re beautiful, but so judgemental.
CORYO: wants love.
CORYO: after one (1) day of camping…
CORYO: Evil now.
CORYO: Sin & air conditioning over love
CORYO: lost hair but also shirt
LUCY GRAY: I can accept this compromise
LUCY GRAY: let’s catch fish together, sweetie!
CORYO: I would prefer sushi and fascism.
LUCY GRAY: It’s early for Katniss
LUCY GRAY: which is a swamp potato
CORYO: Wow, mysterious narrative weight given to this plant discussion
CORYO: Have I mentioned I hate nature?
LUCY GRAY: despite your mysterious longing for toilet paper we are united by trust. Trust is everything!!!
CORYO: I see no warning signs for our relationship.
OFFICER: I’m promoting u
CORYO: oh but my lady…
OFFICER: this is an honor, not an option
CORYO: this could help my family, they’re in a bad way.
TIGRIS on phone: My main problem is the loss of your curls!!!
AUDIENCE: Again, we’re all upset
CORYO: Why are you consorting with rebels!
SEJANUS: I’m having a forbidden heterosexual affair!
CORYO: pls be for real…
SEJANUS: haha no. Just joined the revolution
CORYO: Very bad news. They know we’re friends!
AUDIENCE: Aha, you admit it! Two hours into movie
CORYO: haha you thought!
CORYO: The whole time I was having a friend confessional with Sejanus, I was wearing a bird wire!
CORYO: time to send in my incriminating bird tape to Dr Viola Davis.
LUCY GRAY: I wrote my good guy a love song
CORYO: sorry honey, have a bit of a treachery murder rebel situation to deal with, kiss kiss.
CORYO: oh hi rebels, hi Sejanus, hi pile of guns
REBELs: oh shit
BILLY, LUCY GRAY’S OLD FLAME: Lucy Gray’s with me
MAYOR’S DAUGHTER: Nope, I’m just gonna get her killed again
MAYOR’S DAUGHTER: And now I think of it, everyone else. I’m ratting you out to the authorities!
REBELS: oh no her threat seems extremely credible
REBELS: if only there was some way to solve this problem with guns
CORYO: shoots her
REBELS: Good thinking that man! Let’s shoot Billy too
CORYO: Gosh in an alternate universe, am I the leader of the revolution???
CORYO: Wow Billy was so greedy, nobody needs 2 girlfriends…
CORYO: Excuse me Lucy Gray, gotta cup Sejanus’s face real quick
CLOSE TALKING: is Coryo’s only move to soothe Lucy and Sejanus
SEJANUS: oh wow a lot of ppl just got murdered I’m upset!
CORYO: You and I… are Brothers…
SEJANUS: Disappointing, but go on.
MILITARY: so due to an incriminating bird tape, we’re gonna execute Sejanus for treason!
CORYO: Oh man outside school there are real consequences nobody’s prepared for?
CORYO: My bad, Sejanus!
CORYO: weeps over his and Sejanus’s photo
CORYO: Wish there was more I could do, bro…
AUDIENCE: You did plenty!!!
CORYO: Time to romantically escape together since we’re definitely getting nabbed for rebellion and murders.
LUCY GRAY: Were you leaving me to pursue a career in the military?
CORYO: That’s not important right now.
CORYO and LUCY: romantically flee
LUCY GRAY: Mission statement of the movie time! People aren’t bad. We just cross the line into evil or not.
CORYO: Yeah, like when I killed 3 ppl
LUCY: Excuse me! Who was number 3?
CORYO: I.. uh…
CORYO: I killed my old self…
LUCY GRAY: I know BS when I hear it. My last boyfriend had 2 girlfriends!
CORYO: here we are in our quaint love cabin… full of weaponry….
LUCY GRAY: so you can just get rid of the gun that’s evidence of your crimes, and go back to the sushi and hairdryers you love so much.
CORYO: Hmmm, but you are a loose end…
LUCY GRAY: I won’t ever betray you! Unrelatedly, I have to swiftly take a stroll.
CORYO: in the rain?
LUCY GRAY: I’m not made out of sugar. Or spice. Or won’t-leave-her-man-with-a-quickness nice.
CORYO: Throughout the movie I kept telling Lucy Gray to run. Ironic that she actually did it now!
CORYO: Baby let’s talk
CORYO: Yeah, so about the gun I’m carrying…
CORYO: spirals into frenzy
CORYO: when I shot up the woods did I hear my girlfriend fall, or was that my fall from grace?
THE WOODS: does a man have a nervous breakdown in the forest when there’s nobody but the birds to hear it?
CORYO: screw you nature!!! Especially birds!
MOCKINGJAYS: Snow falls AND lands on top … But fumbled TWO baddies…
CORYO: Well, I got rid of the murder weapons in a foolproof way.
CORYO: Lucky you can’t drag lakes in the dystopia
CORYO: Perhaps the real snakes are the songbirds we shot along the way…
DR VIOLA DAVIS, wearing shiny red blood gloves: You’re my fave jar specimen, you made my ratings skyrocket.
Dr Gaul: please spout some fascist ideology
Coryo: We need the Hunger Games to remind us we’re all killers at heart
Coryo: That has to be true because otherwise… I fumbled TWO baddies.
HAIR BAROMETER OF MORALITY: Ken doll hair of pure evil
CORYO: Wow here’s a bunch of Sejanus’s effects, including drugs…
HIGHBOTTOM: so I invented the Hunger Games one time
HIGHBOTTOM, WHO IS PLAYED BY THE ILLUSTRIOUS P DINKLAGE: That’s what I do, I drink & invent the Hunger Games
HIGHBOTTOM: Your dad plagiarised the Hunger Games from me
HIGHBOTTOM: And YOU popularised the Games
HIGHBOTTOM: Is there something to be learned here, that through brutality to children we only perpetuate brutality? Man passes on misery to man, it builds up like a coral shelf? Unless we change the game, we sow and reap our own brutal harvest?
HIGHBOTTOM: No surely Coryo was just very evil all along, even as a six-year-old.
CORYO: Probably.
CORYO: Don’t worry about perpetuating any cycles, Coryo’s in charge of that now.
HIGHBOTTOM: I underestimated the Snows twice…
*drinks poison Coryo Snow put in his drugs =*
HIGHBOTTOM: Oops. Three times.
CORIOLANUS SNOW: Snow lands on top!
TIGRIS: Unknowable are humans to each other, so we must…
CORYO: take over the whole country and control everyone?
TIGRIS: … No?
CORYO: I see snow falling.
CORYO: But also a rainbow.
CORYO: Probably means nothing. God I hate nature.
THINKPIECES: Does finding this handsome actor playing an interesting character compelling mean young women have forsaken the path of right and rationality?
THINKPIECES: Only this actor is hot
THINKPIECES: It’s a unique problem.
THINKPIECES: Nobody ever fancied that heroic blond man from the Thor movies.
THINKPIECES: The fact we all mock girls for fancying bad boys… couldn’t possibly be about policing women’s virtue and acting as if they’re weak of mind and morals? No, that can’t be it.
THINKPIECES: Anyway. Villains are apparently sexy?
AUDIENCE: We know that’s right.
Omg LOOK AT HIM!! He can do no wrong, let him murder who he wants, he’s had a stressful day clearly 😔 murder for stress relief for Key 🙏🏻
I read that entire TBOSAB parody without even having watching the movie and had the most fun ✨🥹✨ I love a Sarah Rees Brennan parody, when I tell you the one you did for Teen Wolf literally got me to watch the show 😂